Dishonest
by Strega Brava
Summary: **COMPLETE** The Potions Master and the Head Girl reflect on their deepest secret.
1. His Perspective

Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize belongs to me but rather to the goddess, JKR **__**

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to the goddess, JKR. Hope you like it. Constructive reviews always welcome. Flamers will get to serve detention with Filch. Warning: untraditional pairing (did you expect anything less from me). 

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Dishonest

What would you do if I were to tell you the truth? Would you look at me in disgust? Would you run away from me? Would you pity me? Would you laugh and think I was playing a particularly cruel joke on you? Would you…

Sometimes I play the scene out in my mind, in those quiet moments when I lie in my lonely bed and feel that sleep is not far off. You come back into my classroom and ask me a question about an upcoming test or essay or something like that. That would be so very like you. I would stand up and walk over to you, take you in my arms and kiss you deeply. And then…and then…and then…

My body shudders. The images are so real…too real…

You can't imagine how it is for someone like me. Every time I see you, I want to feel your body against mine. Every time I hear your voice, I imagine what it would be like to hear you call my name…my real name…. Every time I watch you write, I look at those beautiful hands and wonder what it would be like to feel them against my face. I am lost. I have resigned myself to this lonely perdition. Mine is a lost cause and I know it well.

Looking around my dark and empty classroom, I remember the first time I saw you. I remember your wavy brown hair, your warm eyes and that confident lilt to your voice. Even then, I knew that you were different from the countless others who came through my classroom. Even then, I knew that I had fallen in love with you and, for the longest time, I cursed you for it. To feel my body react to your presence made me angry…furious…

Now, I am simply resigned and I force myself to do something I have become so dismally good at…hide my true feelings. I do not hide them for fear of what others would say. I really have never cared that much for that. I hide them so that I can keep my illusions and my fantasies. As long as I do not tell you, do not show you then you cannot reject me and I can continue in this delightful madness from which there is no escape. I am yours forever and yet I know I never will be.

The others do not suspect anything although I have caught Dumbledore eyeing me with pity once at dinner. It doesn't matter. Dumbledore trusts me to do the honourable thing and not lead her astray. I often wish he were less accurate in his assessment of me. The others can scarcely believe the heart inside my chest actually beats. 

When I think of her, it does not beat, it pounds.

One day, when she has graduated, I will tell her. In fact, I have written her a letter in case anything happens to me…in case Voldemort realizes where my true loyalties lie. I hope she will not think the worst of me. I hope she will not think me perverse or lewd or anything like that. I hope she will smile and realize that my love for her was and is true.

For now, I must continue in this deception. I must continue being dishonest with her. I hope she will forgive me.

Who can be knocking on my door at this hour of the night? I walk over to the door and open it cautiously, almost expecting Peeves to pelt me with a bucket of ice-cold water. What I see instead is…

"What are you doing here?" I ask with a parched throat.

You look nervous and you bite your lip in a way that is so endearing.

"I…I came to ask you about the assignment," she looks up at me with an expression that almost makes me hold my breath.

Perhaps, tonight, the deception will end. 

Perhaps, tonight, we will no longer be dishonest.

And maybe, just maybe, Dumbledore will be wrong for once.


	2. Her Perspective

Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize belongs to me but to the goddess, JKR

**_Disclaimer_**: Nothing you recognize belongs to me but to the goddess, JKR. I was asked to put up a second chapter and so I did. This is from the other point of view. I hope you like it. If the idea of Severus and Hermione together makes you ill then please hit the "Back" button and read something else that is more to your liking. Constructive reviews are cherished. Flamers will get a work assignment with Cornelius Fudge…oh joy! Special thanks to my beta-reader, Amy, and to my fellow Marauders (including you, Ashley) for everything!

**__**

"Sometimes a single touch is all that is needed to ignite your heart" 

-Strega Brava

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Dishonest: Her Perspective

I think the only way I could ever tell you the truth would be if you administered Veritaserum. I would willingly take it if only to feel you closer to me, perhaps touching my chin before you place the drops in my mouth. Even though it would open all the corners of my heart and soul to you and render me completely vulnerable, I would do it just to be closer to you. Ridiculous, isn't it?

Sometimes I sit by the open window in my room and watch the clouds dance by the moon. Closing my eyes, I feel your cool touch surround me and yet I know it is only the wind. In my mind's eye I let my imagination take flight…perhaps it is the only time I let myself be free. I am sitting by the lake at night by myself (a solitary habit I have fallen into of late). You come up behind me and sit down next to me. You notice that I am cold and take me in your arms. You look at me and I look at you. Words are unnecessary and mouths were meant for much more pleasurable purposes…

Is this obsession? Or is this simply the result of being so lonely? Do I sense the same emptiness in you? Is that what calls to me? Or is it something more?

This is not the way others see me. They see the perfect student. They see the perfect grades. They see the wonderful friends I have. They do not know anything about me. Even my friends are not privy to this dark side of me. I do not see a cold demeanour. I see insecurity. I do not see a tainted past. I see a soul that was lost and is fighting to find its way back. I do not see hatred. I see regret and pain. I do not see what the others see. I see the goodness that is still in you. I was so much more in control of myself when I hated you. Why did that have to change? First it was pity, then compassion, then…and then what? 

I am shivering but I am not cold.

This room is the only place where I have privacy…the one consolation for being top in my class this final year. At least it gives me somewhere to think where I will not be interrupted. I still remember that first night at Hogwarts when I saw you at the professors' table. You were talking to Quirrel and I was struck by how your expression was so different from any of the other professors. Your jet-black hair. Your pale complexion. Your solemn expression. What a contrast to someone like Dumbledore who practically glows with goodness. 

And yet, these things did not repulse me. Quite the opposite. 

This is what confused me for the longest time. I have always been independent and, I freely admit, something of a perfectionist. Love was for silly girls like Lavender and Parvati, not for someone like myself.

Oh dear, did I just say love? Do I love you? I have not taken Veritaserum but what purpose would be served by lying to myself? Yes, I love you. Mock me if you dare but I do love you. I am a rational person. I know what this would look like to others but I am finding that I care less and less for that. Life is too short to waste time on what others think.

Did I just think that?

Harry and Ron are my best friends and they know more about me than anyone else. However, I do not think they would be too accepting of my feelings. They probably think I will stay married to my schoolwork and to my future career. They may even see me as someone who is incapable of passionate love…a bookworm, nice and all that, but a bookworm nonetheless, always doing the right thing and never wavering from the straight and narrow path. They fail to realize that even a bookworm has a heart…a heart that is meant to love…. 

And this heart beats for him…and it is painful sometimes because I realize just how impossible my situation really is.

When I am no longer a student here, I might tell him. I might send him an owl. I might never say anything. I have not the courage for this. When it comes to defending my friends against an evil such as Voldemort, I do not hesitate. When it comes to expressing what is in my heart, I panic. I simply pretend that I am the same…even though that person died a couple of years ago. I am being dishonest with him. I am being dishonest with myself really.

But what am I waiting for? I have never relied on others to solve my problems before so why should this be any different? I will be graduating in a couple of days. I will no longer be a student. My exams are done. What is the worst that could possibly happen?

Without thinking, I rush out of my room. My robes streaming out behind me as I run through the hallways of Hogwarts in the night. Somehow, I know where to find him. 

I stop in front of the door to the classroom. As I raise my hand to knock, I am suddenly struck by the fact that I have no reason why I am down here. Then it hits me…the extra assignment I handed in…I could ask to revise it one more time. It would not be the first time that I had made such a request. It really isn't too late…at least…

I tap on the door three times and then wait. I hear his footsteps approach and then the door opens slowly. 

I realize that I am still somewhat out of breath from running.

He opens the door fully and looks at me with an statement that almost makes my heart stop. His dark eyes are burning right through me.

"What are you doing here?" he asks…do I hear the slightest tremble in his voice?

I look at him, knowing full well that my statement is plain to read.

"I…I came to ask you about the assignment."

He looks at me and motions for me to enter the classroom. I do and he closes the door behind me.

We are only inches apart.

What do I do now? He seems to be waiting for me, as if he is afraid to misinterpret why I am here.

I place my hand gently on his left forearm, over where I imagine his Dark Mark to be. I can feel the involuntary urge to pull back in fear.

"It does not matter to me," I say clearly, looking up at him. Six words, insignificant in themselves and yet, together, they express everything on so many levels.

His eyes grow large and he looks at me incredulously. For a moment, we are both frozen…both afraid to move. I am painfully aware of the contact between my hand and the fabric of his robes, of his shallow breath and the way it whispers past my throat.

"Nothing matters except you," his words are barely audible as he raises a hand to caress my cheek. I close my eyes at his touch…the feelings I am experiencing are overwhelming. Just one touch and I am lost and then I am found again as I feel his arms tighten around me and his lips press against mine.

I feel loved. Not just appreciated, respected, admired…these are things I have known…but…loved, desired, adored…these are things I have only dreamed of….until now.

I never imagined it could be like this. It is the most natural thing in the world to return his kiss, to wrap my arms around his neck and hold him close…and then…and then…

This is the end. The end of being dishonest. With him. With myself.

This is the beginning. The beginning of something precious. Misunderstood, perhaps, but precious all the same

This is the end of two. 

This is the beginning of one.


	3. A New Perspective

Dishonest 3 **__**

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize does not belong to me but to the goddess, JKR. I thought I would add one last part to this mini-series. It was not requested but it was an idea I was playing with for a while and thought it would fit here best, rather than having it as a stand-alone. I really do hope you like it. If the thought of Hermione and Severus makes you ill then please hit the Back button and read something else that is more to your liking. This is partly from his perspective and partly from her perspective. Constructive reviews are cherished. Flamers will get to de-gnome my garden and then will get to sit in on a repeat performance of Crabbe and Goyle's poetry reading (Princess Potter and I are sure you will greatly enjoy it ::smirks::)

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Dishonest: A New Perspective

You are sleeping so peacefully in my arms. I would not move for the world. Your soft breathing. The gentle rise and fall of your chest. The way your arm always finds its way across my neck to hold me closer to you. 

I know you love me. I know you trust me. 

These are among the only things that matter.

I know you cannot understand how you have changed my life but I like to tell you everyday in some way. When I look into your eyes and see that love shining back at me, I know that I am completely happy…and I never thought I would be. The others have remarked at how much I have changed and how human I have become. An interesting comment, that, as if I were something inhuman before.

I suppose they are not entirely incorrect.

The greatest surprise has been how accepting everyone was…well, with one notable exception and I do not fault him for that. He has managed to be graceful about this for the sake of friendship and I respect him for that. It cannot have been easy for him to realize what he had lost. I would have died. I would have. 

Even old school foes have come to accept this although it has been difficult for them to understand the how and the why. 

Sometimes I feel the same but then I look into your eyes and all my doubts disappear.

I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life. 

Before you came into my life, I was like a lost man trying to find his way home. I had no one in my life and this loneliness made me bitter over those many long years. Yes, I realize that it was my own fault for pushing others away and for being hateful when there was no need. I realize that I constructed my own prison within which to brood and contemplate and simply be miserable.

You helped me make that prison disappear.

Forever.

I never want to go back to the person I was before you were in my life. 

I love you.

More than I will ever be able to tell you and I will make certain you never forget how important you are to me.

Looking around the room, I smile. We are building a life for ourselves here. We are building a future together, and a bright one at that. But now, you are here in my arms and I ask for nothing else. I caress your cheek softly and you smile in your sleep. I think you can feel my love for you even in your sleep. At least, I hope so.

I yawn as I look out the window. It is snowing and soon it will be Christmas.

As I drift off in sleep, I think to myself that I already have the best present of all. 

I have you.

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********************some time later***************

I walk into the room and smile as I looked at you asleep on the rocking chair with our child resting comfortably in the crook of your arm, one chubby wee arm nestled into your robes. I gently touch your cheek and your eyes open, dark eyes probing mine. I smile as I pick up the sleeping infant and walk over to the crib.

"What were you thinking about?" I ask him quietly as I settled the baby in the crib.

"Many things."

"They must have been pleasant."

"What makes you so certain?" 

Even though my back is turned to you, I can practically see your eyebrows raised in amusement.

"You were smiling in your sleep," I answer, walking back to the rocking chair and looking at him.

You look up at me as I stand next to you and your eyes shone with love for me. I feel a warmth spread throughout my body and I smile at you, at those black eyes which hold so much emotion. Standing up, you took my small hands in yours.

"I was thinking that I am very fortunate to have you both in my life," you say meaningfully, raising my left hand and kissing it. 

You look at my wedding band for a moment…the one you gave to me, in front of friends and family over a year ago. It bears no decoration and lacks the customary gemstones. I know you would have bought me anything I desired but, in the end, this was what I had wanted. The band glints in the moonlight. Your own hand is bare. You did not want a band. 

__

"I do not need a piece of jewelry to remind me that I love you and I am making a lifelong commitment to you," you had said at the time.

Do you remember that? I know you do. I thought it was such a sweet and romantic thing for you to say. But now, looking into those burning eyes I realize that it had not been sweet and romantic at all…it had been the truth, a truth as plain and simple as the ring I bear. Plain and simple perhaps, but, precious.

"I love you." Your voice is barely above a whisper and yet it fills the entire room. My arms encircle your neck and I bring your face closer to my own. I do not say anything and neither do you. I have everything I need in this room: in you, in our child who sleeps so soundly and in children yet to come. 

Everything I need is right here.

For now.

For always.

A/N: To my fellow Marauders…I hope you like this final instalment. Chocolate truffles for all of you!!

A/N2: In the story I mention that one person had difficulty accepting their relationship because of his own love for Hermione. I didn't specify but I wonder who you might think it would be. My e-mail is [stregabrava@yahoo.ca][1]

A/N3: I also did not specify the gender of the child because I could not decide and I could not come up with any names…I guess some things are better left to the imagination ::smile::

   [1]: mailto:stregabrava@yahool.ca



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